More Tales from the Dirty South

for those of you just joining us, please read the post entitled "Soap Opera Weekly" before continuing with "More Tales from the Dirty South".
Now, where was I? Next up on the billing...

Hammerhead Part II, Michigan

This guy carries a lot of anger. luckily, he rides bikes and to my knowledge has little interest in gun collecting. He is almost always the winner in his class leading the entire pack all the way around the course. however, his class is "level 5" and there are five levels and level 1 is the top. so basically, he is king shit because he doesn't take the coach's advice, he trains by his spedometer instead of by his heartrate and has no style at all except "monster mash". also, he rides his road bike with a camelback which is a stylistic no-no in the world of the roadie. he seemed to have eyes for the stripper and was very into her "helpless-play-dumb"-ness despite her husband and his girlfriend. i suspect they have both made a mess of things by now since they are still in alabama in the hot sun and spandex. who could resist? anyway, he is in the category of people who need just a little more. when we got back from our ride, he'd be sure to go out again just so he could get 100miles/day, and we could all be impressed (once he even went in street clothes after a 5-hour ride whilst eating an apple and wearing no helmet). i am sure he has a huge johnson.

Sparky, Tennessee

Sparky is a boy not yet a man. At 20, what can you expect. he laughed after every sentence, and never did make his move on Delta Delta Delta (more on her later). He defends Ford Mustangs: proof that he is a southern boy. He has no intention on racing, so he informs coach Aldo, although he does own a Scott CR-1 which will run you about $4000. He also brought a mountain bike and back-up road bike, just in case. He would shower in cologne in the morning for Delta Delta Delta and that got on my nerves. I am not one to hide my true feelings, and hence, we didn't really get along. but arguing with him is like kicking the dog

Delta Delta Delta, Philadelphia/South Carolina

Delta Delta Delta will help ya help ya help ya so goes the saying. unless you're sparky. Despite his best efforts, this sweet college girl managed to thwart all advances by the southern lad described previous. we shared a room (myself, the stripper, delta delta delta and mrs. know it all) and it was unofficially shared with Sparky who would stay up late "talking to Delta", or so he would brag to the boys in his room. (one of which was mine, hence the inside scoop). Anyway, another 19-year old bike racer with her whole career ahead of her came down for her spring break instead of driving to florida with overweight sorority girls with the beach name painted on the rear windshield (oh the drive home was interesting...). She was adorably clueless about bicylce mechanics [what's a cassette?] and claims "Bicycles for Dummies" should be dedicated to her.

The Kid, Windsor

The kid came down on a plane from Windsor and works with Aldo at home. I liked him because he was quiet, he trains smart and respects Aldo. sometimes he was a little bit 15--but that's his age so we'll let it go. but when he, Delta, the Stripper and Sparky got together, I usually had to find something else to do far away as there was usually candy and hyper-activity involved.

The Hosers, Brantford

Three racers from Canada, eh? joined us on week two replacing the firemen. Aldo called them the three stooges. I have never met a more typical "Canadian". The way they spoke, it was sometimes hard for me to understand, and I am from Bruce County! Anyway, they were a good lot and made me laugh a lot. Once, Larry was racing with Moe and Curly, and his chain skipped off. the bike responded by going 45 degrees down left, then all the way over to the right, and somehow, he stayed upright. and i exhaled. it was a close call, and don't tell Aldo anyone was sprinting.

Then, some new characters arrived to spice up the last couple of days.

Hammerhead Part III, Maine

And I thougth Part II was bad. this guy just added bad energy to the camp from the moment he arrived. it appears he shows up solely to give Aldo a hard time. He argues about methods of training (believe it or not kids, but in order to be fast, you have to go slow) and figures that since he paid, he can just do whatever he wants. The hosers said it best: if you want to be an asshole, do it during YOUR camp. Don't just come along and wreck our camp, eat our food and turn our training rides into races. on the last day, just before I left, I had it out with him supervised by coach Aldo. I don't think he is coming back again.

Sidekick; the Strong Silent Type, Maine

He arrived with Hammerhead III. They shared his vehicle to get to camp and apparently he wisely would not allow HHIII to take the wheel. I could tell that he was not the same man as HHIII and I hope he has a good week despite the drama HHIII stirs up by constantly flapping his gums.

The Good Son

We got back from our last ride and a 16 year old had just arrived in his parents car from New Hampshire. They let him do the drive alone and in their vehicle. what is UP with that?

Last but not least:

The Happy Couple
Totally professional however most likely mistaken for total snobs. Kept themselves to themselves. You wouldn't see them tanning on the lawn because they would be using sports massage to speed recovery. You wouldn't see them doing their nails because they would be cleaning the bike and prepping for the next day's ride. You wouldn't see them on a second ride because rest is more important in the afternoons. You wouldn't see them smuggling junk food into the camp because they would be taking a nap. They did the camp the way it was meant and reaped the benefits. of course, that snobby couple is half me, half Jerome.

And now, a look at some of the locals

Scott, the Tri-athlete

Scott met Aldo at their local bike club meeting which Aldo attended. He asked Aldo to meet with him and talk about training, and since Aldo can't say no to cycling, Scott came by a couple times and even rode with us twice as well. I liked Scott because he respected Aldo, and he had a pretty bike. Also, I secretly love the accent--there is something really friendly about it.

Cedric, the Grocer

Cedric is the unofficial mayor of Ramer. He is a huge man and used to play football for "Crimson Tide", the State university. His daughter is there now he says, and he always has a story or a joke when you visit his store.

Brittany, the neighbour

Brittany is 16 and at first she was real quiet. She is in that awkward time which features glasses and braces and baggy sweaters. She came over to help Aldo while Renee was away for $7/hour. Although many times, she would end up just chatting with the campers or watching TV with us until her dad came to get her. I get the feeling that in a town like Ramer, you don't get that many oppportunities to talk to people. So once she got going, it was hard to get her back to work. She told us about her undying love for Axel Rose and how she planned to drive to his house in california to see if he wanted to start a band with her. She plays bass, she says. She told us about her aspirations for "when I grow up" which include but are not limited to:

1. a doctor
2. a racer car driver
3. an astronaut
4. a monster truck driver
5. a waitress

Although she has no plans to go to school, she says. Currently, she attends a highschool where the students work as hard as they can to torture their teachers, by the sounds of it. but perhaps that's every school. Renee says she is going to try to get her out on the bike which would be great for her I think.

And I think that's it for cast. now for a little more plot.

During the two weeks I was away, I finished three books. I would recommend The Curious incident of the Dog in the Night time as it was my favourite of the three.

We went out for dinner one night to the Little Red Schoolhouse which features authentic southern cooking. basically, you just take whatever is good and wholesome and add grease and fat. For example, Chicken: Bread it and fry it. Lima Beans: Add bacon. Squash Caserole: use butter in a 1:1 ratio and cover with cheese. You get the picture. it was a nice meal and we went there at the end of the first week. The place is a destination in itself. President Bush I was there and his picture is on the wall with the owner. he is wearing a sweater that says "United States of America" and "George Bush", in case you didn't know. apparently, he has a buddy who takes him fishing in the area. There are old maps of the area and the place actually used to be a school house so there are some artefacts from those days as well. every US president is picture on the wall.

In Alabama, there is a thing called White Dirt. Which is dirt, that is white, that you eat. it tastes like chalk and looks like it too but it apparently contains mysterious healing powers that help with fertility and other voodoo type things. google it.

I think I am all Alabama-blogging-d out now. Let me close in saying that it was a fabulous two weeks, highly entertaining and that next year I suspect TV crews will be there ready to witness the first campers voted out of state. I got some really valuable training done and i can't wait to take the new me out onto the race course. I will certainly be back again. By the end, Jerome, Aldo Renee and myself were like peas and carrots and our good bye was sad. Jerome and I packed up that little integra with more than I thought was possible and rolled off down the road back towards the great white north. We decided to do the trip in two days on the way back to play it safe. On the way out of Alabama, we narrowly missed two potentially devasting car accidents. one had a blow out in the left lane, swerved into the median, bounced off and spun across the highway without hitting any other vehicles and coming to a stop safely on the shoulder. that was about four cars up from us. Then, just down the road, a transport lost his load on a steep downhill and did the exact same thing. it stopped traffic for a long time and we had to watch college girls flirt with college boys who were sitting on top of their SUV smoking cigars. the girls decided to giggle and take a pee break to get their attention. it was obnoxious. that one happened almost in front of us as well, so we were happy to have avoided incident once again. a wait was no trouble.

We stayed the night in Kentucky somewher between Louisvillle and Cincinnatti. The hotel man was very nice and gave us a room for 45 dollars and then told us where we could get some steaks at 10pm. the weather was freakish all evening with lightening dancing all across the sky and tornadoes to the west. that night there was a horrific thunderstorm and the rain continued all the way into ohio the next day. For breakfast, I had the famed "biscuits and gravy" and it was disgusting. Subway for lunch again and we were home for dinner.

Jerome's mom was kind enough to leave some goodies in his fridge for us, so we ate, went to bed, woke up and said hello to reality.