Soap Opera Weekly

Hello and apologies for my extended blog-less-ness! I have just returned from cycling camp held in the Dirty South: Ramer, Alabama. Google Map it.
This post will probably be long, disjointed, unorganized and dare I say, entertaining.

Jerome and I drove the 18 hour journey two Fridays ago. We started out of Toronto at about 6am and made it to Ramer just before midnight Alabama time. Both of us were completely kooky and hopped up on ju jubes and "rockstar" beverage we picked up from a late night gas station in Alabama somewhere. [The clerk told us all about her life story and how she cleans houses, how her kids drive her crazy and about how she had worked as that clerk for ten years, in a southern drall so foreign to me I thought (in my exhausted-to-the-point-of-intoxication) she must be putting it on. There were bumper stickers there claiming "I love my truck", "I love my gun" and other racist/shocking/hilarious slogans. you could buy boiled peanuts there too, but I passed.]





We drove down through Michigan (horrible roads, ugly countryside), Ohio (flat as hell), Kentucky (beautiful countryside, gorgeous weather and rolling "mountains"), Tennessee (short and flat shaped state with a good look at Nashville) and finally Alabama (home of the most beautiful roads ever due to extensive "make work" projects. They use good ol' ashphalt.)

At the side of the road, they have "rest stops" which are just quick drive in and out bathrooms with some tourist info and vending machines. so handy! the roadside convenience centres like we have in canada are nowhere to be seen. however, it is clear that the US is built on the automobile as all along the way these little "oasises" would open up having three or four hotels, three or four (or more) gas stations (selling cheap gas that is cleaner and better than Canadian gas) and anything you could want to eat, so long as it is fast.

I am through with Subway for a little while I think.

Anyway, the driving itself was pretty good. I took the first pull and got us out of Canada. This was my fifth time driving standard transmission. Things were a little more stressful for me this time though as it was only the second time I had driven my boyfriend (the car guy)'s car, and we hit a snow storm along the way through Ontario. I prevailed! I never stalled the car and only came close to mortally wounding the transmission (i missed 4th on an exit and went from 5th to 2nd which the car didn't like at all, and it told me so.).

One thing I have to say about the States though: there sure are a lot of people, and they are all out driving. rarely was there the open stretches of road like we have in Canada. however, I think I should give credit where its due: americans are better drivers than canadians. they know the passing lane is for passing. They don't do anything sketchy like swerve, wobble, land change for no apparent reason etc etc. maybe i should just compare them to toronto drivers. anyway, it was a nice drive.

except for the directions.

We used the CAA's "Triptik" to get down there. I would not recommend that to anyone. It chose a silly border crossing adding time to an already long trip (i think Windsor makes the most sense...but it told us to go to Sarnia), it gave opposite-to-truth directions through Nashville, where it seems every interstate in the country converges and you have to pick your way through them to link to the next. The triptik literally said "go left" and the road signs said "go right". You had to be there. And then, the icing on the cake, it left us stranded on route 331 in Alabama in the middle of the night at the end of 18 hours on the road. The directions stopped short of telling us to get off 331 and get into Ramer. That added a good 40 minutes on dark roads with deer waiting to jump into us. thanks triptik! without a chance sighting of a small sign, we could have wound up in Florida. Moral of the story: just buy a road atlas.

So we arrive! the whole camp is quiet, and the lights are out. guess we should have called, but luckily, the back door was open so in we went. Coach Aldo and wife Renee met us as we clambered in. They put us to bed and there we stayed until 10am the next morning.

The first day it rained harder than I have seen in a long while. It was raining so hard we didn't even want to unpack the car and bike riding was a long way from my mind. Well--not that far. At cycling camp, you better be sure you like cycling because all the pictures on the wall are of cyclists and bikes. all the magazines available are about cycling. All the dvds in the entertainment centre are presentations of important races such as the tour, the giro and the amstel gold. all the books are biographies about lance armstrong. i'll be honest, at first I was a little overwhelmed. finally, i couldn't take it anymore--i had to get out of there else risk being sick of cycling without even taking a pedal stroke. so we unpacked the car (by we, i mean Jerome went out in the rain and transferred things to the covered porch where I carried them inside), set up bikes, and then headed to "the store" to get some lunch.

Ramer is a very small town with a population noted as 2000. However, it feels like the population is more like 200. It has a store which is comparable to a miniature walmart in that it sells everything. back in the day that would be called the general store I guess. There is a library with four computers, a bank, a health centre (with doctor's, not fitness equipment) post office, antique store which is open an hour a week on wednesdays and a so-called hardware store which has a stock of about 30 items. also a sheriff's office (which is actually his house with a sign out front). you can walk around the entire town in about 7 minutes.

The town thinks the cycling camp is a good thing on the whole. We are invited to church (Ramer has two), they asked us to be in the Christmas parade, and they think we wear funny suits.

all around Ramer, there are some of the best cycling roads I've seen. The state is poor relative to other states, and there are a lot of make-work projects provided. So somewhere in alabama at all times there is someone laying down brand new blacktop on old roads which see about 20 cars a day and very little snow. almost all the roads around Ramer are like riding on butter or ribbons.

there are some bumpy ones, but they only make you appreciate the smooth ones more. Coach Aldo found Ramer the hard way, by looking, and it took him 16 years of zigzagging southern states looking for the perfect balance of good roads, weather, and hospitality. Sunday was our first foray into spring training.

We rode everyday and followed a daily schedule that looked something like this:

• 7:45 breakfast of fresh fruits, grains and waffles
• 8:00 morning exercises and stretching
• 9:00 Ride
• Lunch after ride
• 6:45 dinner (everything from steak to lasagna, and all delicious)
• 8:00 cycling discussion re race tactics, time trialling, and season scheduling

Rides usually lasted about 4 hours and were approximately 100km long.

Here is a look at my numbers for camp:

• rides: 12
• hours: 49
• kilometres: 1200
• calories: 17,872 (31 Big Macs, or 436 Timbits)

We were there for two weeks and took one day's rest to head into Montgomery and see what that's all about. I got some new underwear at Victoria's Secret, some Zout stain remover from Walmart, and Jerome got some video games and then we decided we'd rather be doing nothing at camp. Walmart, I should mention, was collossal. It had everything. Full grocery store, garage, home decoration, electronics, sports and retail. it was mind boggling and i had to get the hell outta there lest I get dizzy and fall over.

In Montgomery, the cool thing to do is to drive a shit-to-mediocre vehicle, but to swap off the wheels for something twice as big in diameter and swap the rims for CHROME. Ford Mustangs are the Honda civics of the south.

We listened to the local radio to see what that was about. the ads said to "buy north american trucks. Do the right thing. Don't get Japanese tin cans." There was also a compeition on called "war of the roses". The girlfriend is supposed to call in and the DJ then calls her boyfriend on threeway but the boyfriend doesnt' know his girlfriend is in any way involved. the Dj tells him he has complimentary roses to deliver to whoever the boyfriend wants, but if he doesn't say his girlfriend's name, then she doesn't get the roses, he doesn't get the roses and a whole lot of trouble heads his way.

I don't think there is much else to say about Montgomery. I didn't do anything of historic value which is only ever disappointing when you get back. however, at the time, I was pretty tired, so walking around playing tourist was secondary to the primary goal of becoming a lean-mean-cycling machine. mission accomplished.

So lets talk about cycling then. First of all, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that everything Jerome told me about looking like a pro, relaxed and powerful on the bike was backed up by a coach I have immense respect for. Turns out it wasn't just boyfriend talk. In this respect, the camp was a great great great success as the connection I made with Coach Aldo will prove very valuable I am sure. He has 46 years of cycling experience to share which will save me time and energy avoiding mistakes. Plus, Aldo has got to be one of the best humans beings I have ever met. He gives unconditionally with no thought for himself. The camp is his hobby and I suspect that with the fees so low, and the grocery bill so high (cyclists are eaters, what can i say?) he is barely making ends meet. He doesnt' believe you should pay for a coach, but instead, that you take what you learn and give it back to cycling so that the sport continues to grow. I admire him a great deal, respect him even more, and I am delighted that he wants to work with me throughout the season. Plus he is damn determined; at 64 he is out riding with us almost everyday and it isn't like it is over for him after a week. Camps start in November and go until April or so. I don't know how he does it! The rides he's mapped out for us were beautiful and we would only rarely see cars so they were also very safe.

Interesting things I saw on rides:

• drunken man with no teeth dancing with a 26-er sloshing in his hand--looked like a movie extra from an old-western.
• deer carcass that moved each day from one side of the road to the other (probably the coyotes)
• dogs dogs dogs. Gotta watch out for the dogs as they have a real hate on for cyclists and come running each time we pass. best defense is to squirt them with water or just plain yell. Once, one of our campers ran over one. he ran pretty fast the other direction yelping. accidents happen (and to be fair, most of them just want to play)
• severed deer head--coyotes again i guess
• an armadillo
• a 5 minute-old lamb no bigger than the cats (more on them later)
• three live deer running right out in front of us
• the top secret military protected, helicoptor patrolled lockheed martin factory where they make Tomahawk cruise missiles.

I think that's about it. for the most part, it was rocks, trees and hills.

The title of this post is "Soap Opera Weekly" which is probably a bit of mystery until now. I've left the best for last: the campers. Aldo jokes that each week could be its own reality TV show and it is so true. The cast of characters that shows up is so mixed sometimes it is tough to take. I will profile a couple of the more memorable ones

Coach Aldo

Hard not to love. Italian Canadian who came to Canada at 6. Loud, loveable and totally devoted to cycling. He started the camp so that Renee, his wife, would have a place to train, then decided to share it with others too.

Renee

Lean, mean biking machine. began racing triathalons in 1989 and really kicked ass. she won 5th place in the Florida Iron Man in 2004 and now races bikes on the track with a pro women's team out of Windsor. Her rides were always on the fast side and she is super strong. also has two cats, Little Bear and Chi-chi.

Little Bear

5 month old all-grey kitten just learning about the world rescued from a hard life by the humane society and adopted by Renee. Great people cat, comes when called, does great tricks and will cuddle up and snooze with you just as soon as playfight you.

Chi-chi

Little Bear's teacher, friend, playmate and punching bag. Chi-chi used to be a very social cat but is now a killing machine. she has passed on her skills to little bear who practises all day long in the backyard. Both cats have to come in at night so the coyotes don't eat them--but I am convinced that in a fight with a coyote, Chi-chi would win. Chi-chi is also very vocal and sometimes it sounds like she is saying actual words.

The Doctor, Tennessee

Memorable quote: "Voltaire said that a good doctor needs only the ability to amuse his patients long enough for the body to heal itself". I would agree with Voltaire on that one. Doctor Dave also suggests that all the people on the government tab following the New Orleans disaster "should all be shot". So at first I thought he was a very educated enlightened man (following voltaire and all) but then i wasn' so sure.

The Three Firemen, Toronto

Three firemen showed up from Toronto and wouldn't you know it? they are from the hall that is responsible for rescuing me in case of emergency. Like all emergency workers I have met, they were laid-back funny guys always with a joke ready. They told me about life in the firehall, which includes waterballoon launchers, and were great to have around. I missed them on week two.

The Hammerhead part 1, Michigan

There is an understanding during spring training among most serious athletes that it is not the time to race. race season is the time to race. however, at every camp, in every group there is always at least one guy who feels the need for speed. Riding with him was like walking my dog. I'd do 5km, he'd do 25 going back and forth up the road, disrupting traffic, making us wonder where he is, and totally oblivious to any common sense.

The Go-Getter. Michigan

We had Kacey on camp one, a 19-year-old superstar with her whole career ahead of her. I was really impressed with how motivated she is and she's got the legs to back it up. She was also a huge help to Aldo as Renee has a real job as well that has her on the road for short periods, so Kacey somehow shared camp running duties and got in all the workouts.

The Bike Shop Guy, Michigan

Bob was a pleasure to have around as he is also a mechanic. his bike was scary light (lighter than the low limit on tour de France bikes) and he easily falls victim to the need for speed. He stayed the whole two weeks with us too.

Camp Week 2: Even more characters....

The Stripper, Ontario

Down for a month, I was surpised to find out I was rooming with a Dancer. The problem was, she seemed to have trouble turning off her professional front as she often went about scantily clad and spoke to all the men as a peeler does. She got a little tiring, I'll be honest. Her husband (!) stayed home to look after her "kids" (two dogs apparently). She hired a "trainer" who she spent a lot of time emailing but it sounds like she is paying him too much. She hadn't put any miles on her legs before coming, felt fatigued after riding a few days and wrote to him to ask his opinion. although the obvious answer is "you are just getting used to the riding" he told her she didn't have enouhg protein in her diet. This is just what she wants to hear because it is easier to take a pill isn't it? so in a week, when she feels better once her body has adjusted, she'll think it is because of the protein and give him a raise. frustrating but true. She carries around a binder in which she records every detail of her bodily functions. And I thought I was serious. Also, she uses the word "yummy". Memorable quote: "for every pound of seafood that ends up on your plate, there are a thousand pounds wasted". All week, she'd come up with little tidbits of information, but at least they came one line at a time. then there was...

The Know-it-all, Toronto

This guy has done too much reading. Instead of just a one-liner fact about tuna, he would delve into a deep conversation about some obscure topic he is sure to dominate as no one else has time to read 1000 pages on seafood production. He works for a software company and speaks in a way that is as irritating as it is condescending. He also believes that the carryon luggage limit of two bags is there just to make his life difficult and has nothing to do with safety. also, must have the last word. plus, he was the biggest man I had seen all week so the fact that he put down all that mileage was impressive.

The Know-It-All's Wife

If I didn't know they were married I would have never guessed. I would have thought that perhaps he was her butler instead. when she got tired, she'd make him go and block wind for her. she was the only one more opinionated than her husband but most of her opinions were about how she felt the dinner would be better cooked, the rides better run, or the training better accomplished. it got really tiring. she isn't a racer, but trains for one event in france that follows one stage of the tour. it is timed. she was the alpha-female and whenever she went to the front of the pack for a pull, she'd push the pace. then when the pace got pushed beyond what she could take, she "threw her toys" and quit. she reminded me a lot in appearance of the cat in my house, Chanel. on the last day, despite the complaining, she said she thought the camp was the best thing ever. le sigh.

pick up here tomorrow for more from the Dirty South. Same bat time, same bat channel.